F1 Rumors - news ahead of the headlines

13th May, 1999

Monaco GP: Fast Laps and Fast Girls

The Eighth Adventure of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew

by Inky Black

Monaco is a very different Grand Prix. It is celebrity, royalty, and party. Here, the race is slow and the crowd is fast. So the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew looked for a car that could win some publicity, not the race. They found a '34 Bugatti... and it became the secret weapon.

They started with a gloss-white 1934 Bugatti T51. Not Bad. Then the paint job. It was a panorama featuring scenes of the splendor of Monte Carlo-- with enough Hollywood Stars and European Royalty pictured in bathing suits to keep the interest of the casual observer. Okay, pretty good... but what's the big secret?

The secret was two identical Bugatti's, both carrying number 23. Both with a roomy bench seat and the same sexy paint job. And both with a Cosworth V-8 and gas tank full of fuel additives. With the extra car, they might just win big at Monaco; a country so small you get your passport stamped after a spin out.

The cars took different routes to Monaco; which is one of those little countries but not near Belgium. Car number one went straight for publicity pictures at a topless beach in St Tropez. Car number two was stuffed in the back of a lorry. It arrived in Monaco after a lovely drive through France, Italy and somewhere in Switzerland; which is how you get to Monaco when the St Tropez crew takes the only map.

The St Tropez crew arrived to a crowd of reporters, teenage boys and Sylvester Stallone. They explained that the two-seater wasn't for racing. The Bugatti would take celebrity guests around the circuit. The France, Italy and somewhere in Switzerland crew arrived in the middle of the night. And car number two was hidden near the casino hairpin for it's "debut."

The first guest laps went off the next morning without incident. Driver Cha Cha Chitwood warmed the Bugatti engine as actress Liz "Take-Off" Hurley arrived. The dizzy star skipped the seat belt as they pulled onto the track at Monaco; a country so small that if you spin out at Portier, you get your passport stamped by Italian Customs.

A quick lap and back into the pits. Cha Cha slid the Bugatti sideways to a stop, and dumped "Take-Off" out of the car and onto Eddie Irvine. "Shagadelic," was all Eddie said.

Celebrity guest number two was the Spice Girls. Cha Cha "checked in" with Oscar-Joe at car number two. Oscar-Joe would sneak the second Bugatti out of the truck at the opportune moment... and the Spice Girls had agreed to create that moment.

The pop stars also skipped the seat belt as the Bugatti motored onto the track at Monaco; a country so small that if you spin out at Rascasse you can be arrested for invading France.

Onto the track and through town towards Casino. The Spice Girls loosened enough clothing to shock everyone within a kilometre as Cha Cha motored into the hairpin. Sliding sideways into the hairpin, the Bugatti skidded to all but a stop in front of Casino. Here, the popstars "dumped" from the cockpit in a cloud of flying clothes, and Cha Cha motored off into the distance.

The Spice Girls dusted off and had the crowd hypnotized in an instant. Oscar-Joe watched as the last stragglers hustled over to rubberneck. Then she eased car number two out of the truck and onto the track at Monaco; a country so small they release an official postage stamp and bus map.

Cha Cha rocketed through the rest of the course and across the start-finish line. Murray Walker announced the time of three minutes and change. "A new lap record!" he jested. Minutes later Oscar-Joe wrestled the car around Las Rascasse and up to the line as Murray looked at his watch again. "two minutes; not bad..."

Next lap Cha Cha brought in a minute and twenty seconds; "Wowie!" screamed Murray. "That Bugatti can really bug out!"

Then Oscar-Joe flashed across the line with "A minute and ten seconds! Ladies and gentleman, a new lap record!" yelled Murray as he removed his watch and eyed it carefully.

The Spice Girls still had 'em riveted as Oscar-Joe sneaked the car down the escape road and into the lorry. Cha Cha took a victory lap to the applause of the fans. Then she pulled into the pits and into some big publicity. The crowds moved in and the celebration started. All here in Monaco, a country so small the victory party spilled into the passport office.

Article is written by and copyright (c) 1999 Jeff Rose, Binghamton, NY.
His other Travel and Humour Articles can be found at Aloha from the Nervous Nineties.

Interested in reading more by this author?

Humourous Articles by Inky Black
Austrian GP: Welcome to Vienna, Minnesota or; "It's a nice place to visit, but Mozart would have moved."
British GP: The Greatest Drivers In The World or; "Move along lady, there'll be no excitement here. This is a golf match!"
French GP: Viva La France or; Cha Cha Chitwood and the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew arrive in France with bad jokes, better apologies, and a mention of the war
Canadian GP: Surfing FIA or; Cowabunga in Canada
Spanish GP: Still in Barcelona or; Ninth in the Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Monaco GP: Fast Laps and Fast Girls or; The Eighth Adventure of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
San Marino Jet-Set or; Further Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Brazil GP - The girls from Ipanema or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Full Monty in Melbourne or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Formula One Racing Meets Quantum Relativity or; Welcome to CERN - Fastest High-Speed Oval in the World
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew meets the Queen of England and confused tea-time with wet T-shirt time, causing havoc in the Palace
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew at AutoSport99 the crew visit Autosport 99 to take part in the pitcrew contest
Hollywood Grand Prix; Sylvester Stallone Meets Formula One or; Jackie Stewart trained BayWatch Girls for an Indianapolis Pit Crew because Sylvester Stallone had WonderBra for a sponsor and some French guys made Richard Petty drink white wine instead of beer
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