F1 Rumors - news ahead of the headlines

4th March, 1999

San Marino Jet-Set

Further Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew

by Inky Black

Breaking in to Formula One can be tough. And two races into the 1999 season the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew had already crashed their '67 BRM and '58 Maserati. In doing so they had made few friends; they had gotten the FIA pretty mad; and on top of everything else, their tobacco spitting was getting out of hand. Yes, the pit crew from so deep in Georgia that they live in North Florida, had dribbled so much "chew" down the sides of the rent-a-car that the FIA thought they had tobacco sponsors.

The crew arrived at San Marino with four excellent tires and wheels; fitted with some high-tech carbon-fiber brakes. These had stopped on a dime at the Brazil GP; but the suspension snapped and the '58 Maserati tub stopped on a quarter. Unfortunately the quarter was in somebody's pocket in downtown Interlagos.

At the nearby Rimini Beach army surplus and scrap yard, the crew looked for something to race at Imola. Their budget was tight and there wasn't much hope that the crew would find a race car. Yet as overhead cranes dropped Minardis scatter-shot across the yard, the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew glimpsed something. "Yes!" It was their ride for Imola. A 1949 Saab!

Now some of you are asking "How fast is a '49 Saab?" And others are saying that "Saab didn't build cars that long ago!" The answer to both questions is--- "They built jet planes."

The used Swedish Air Force jet was missing a few parts... missing almost everything but the engine. Adding some hi-tech wheels, brakes, steering and a seat would pep it up. Though it was going to take more than a bit of luck to put the world's first Saab on a Grand Prix grid.

The jet engine had large left and right air intakes that became the side-pods of the car. The intakes gathered right behind the drivers seat and fed the compressor sections of the powerful fighter-jet engine. Fitted with tires, steering, seat and nose-cone (borrowed from Team Borneo); the jet-car was not as ugly as the some of the 6-wheeled stuff from the seventies and eighties. In fact it wasn't even close.

The crew checked the car out with some midnight runs down Rimini Beach. It cornered like a humpback whale on a sandbar. This is to say badly, with a lot of tail flappin' and stuff flying. And 'though the car was fast; the paint job was faster.

Done by local students it was Art Moderne, with stylized deco flames. The flames leapt backwards from the nose and intakes, then swirled into a roil of allegorical panels depicting sins of the flesh and subsequent eternal damnation. It was a little light on the current "look" in racing, but the eternal damnation scenes did capture the essence of racing a Saab in Italy. Anyway, the idea was to attract sponsors, and this car would do that. And it would toast marshmallows for everyone on the main straight!

Timing their arrival with the first practice session the crew rolled into the pits with the jet-car parked backwards on the trailer for a quick "take-off." Driver Cha Cha Chitwood, already in the car, kept the jet whining quietly and ready to go.

The ramps dropped, Cha Cha eased the throttle forward, and "Scenes of Erotic Lust and Godly Retribution" headed down pit lane. Wrenches dropped and eyes widened as the car went out and the FIA went nuts.

Three quick laps and Cha Cha pulled it in. Nobody had passed her she thought, "I must have been really moving!" The other 22 drivers thought, "Nobody passed her, you'd have to be nuts to go anywhere near the jet exhaust." Murray was on top of things by now and announced the "arrival into the pits of Flight Number 23 from Hell!"

The FIA shook their head "no" and that was it. Their weekend was over after just three practice laps. But folks were already wandering down to check out the jet-car with the "fires of hell creeping into scenes of sex and death."

Eddie Irvine said the jet-car looked like "the Jordan team on 'pit babe' day." Damon Hill said it looked like Eddie's hotel room last night. The Italian Team thought it was next year's Ferrari. It reminded Coulthard of opera. It reminded Jacques Villeneuve to change his hair color.

But, as Mika Hakkinen walked up, everyone stepped back and waited for the reflections of the World Champion. Mika stared quietly for a minute and stroked his chin. "Wow!" he said. "It looks like a Saab."


Article is written by and copyright (c) 1999 Jeff Rose, Binghamton, NY.
His other Travel and Humour Articles can be found at Aloha from the Nervous Nineties.



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Humourous Articles by Inky Black
Austrian GP: Welcome to Vienna, Minnesota or; "It's a nice place to visit, but Mozart would have moved."
British GP: The Greatest Drivers In The World or; "Move along lady, there'll be no excitement here. This is a golf match!"
French GP: Viva La France or; Cha Cha Chitwood and the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew arrive in France with bad jokes, better apologies, and a mention of the war
Canadian GP: Surfing FIA or; Cowabunga in Canada
Spanish GP: Still in Barcelona or; Ninth in the Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Monaco GP: Fast Laps and Fast Girls or; The Eighth Adventure of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
San Marino Jet-Set or; Further Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Brazil GP - The girls from Ipanema or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Full Monty in Melbourne or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Formula One Racing Meets Quantum Relativity or; Welcome to CERN - Fastest High-Speed Oval in the World
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew meets the Queen of England and confused tea-time with wet T-shirt time, causing havoc in the Palace
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew at AutoSport99 the crew visit Autosport 99 to take part in the pitcrew contest
Hollywood Grand Prix; Sylvester Stallone Meets Formula One or; Jackie Stewart trained BayWatch Girls for an Indianapolis Pit Crew because Sylvester Stallone had WonderBra for a sponsor and some French guys made Richard Petty drink white wine instead of beer
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