F1 Rumors - news ahead of the headlines

16th February, 1999

Formula One Racing Meets Quantum Relativity

or; Welcome to CERN- Fastest High-Speed Oval in the World

by Jeff Rose

Well, we're back and boy are the Quantum Physicists happy about that. With no races scheduled, the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew went to Switzerland for testing. Rumor had it the fastest oval track in the world was at someplace called CERN. This place the pit crew had to see.

The crew showed up early morning at the CERN high-speed oval course. Following the directions they found no race course; only a large parking lot. The crew was usually on top of things. And, funny, that's what the people from CERN said when they asked: "You are right on top of things." But no problem here, the parking lot had some good corners and would do just fine for the tests. Later the crew would find out about the true, and underground, nature of the CERN high-speed nuclear particle ring.

Leafing through the "It's A Small World" pamphlet, available free at the gift shop, the girls realized that high-energy physics might be the next trend in F1 testing. Formula One cars were becoming increasingly high-tech. It was time to check for the appearance of Quantum Effects at the race track. Knowing nothing about particle physics didn't slow down the crew, because they don't know a heckuva lot about racing either.

For the test they parked a photon, a proton, Michael Schumacher, Damon Hill, a meatball and Ricardo Rosset on the back of the grid. The photon was there to catch anyone who exceeded the speed of light. The meatball was also added as a control, a non-moving object that would mark the back of the grid.

Schumacher we saw at Suzuka. There, starting from the back row, he passed four cars in the 4.2 seconds between the back of the grid and the start line. Passing four cars before the Start Line meant Schumacher effectively started the race from 18th position; although he also started from 22nd. Being in two places at once is a quantum effect so Schumacher got the rest of the afternoon off.

Damon was also timed from the back of the grid, and he also did it in 4.2 seconds. While doing so, he steered into the pits a bit and nicked Schumacher's car on the way through. This demonstrated the same quantum effects (and bragging rights.) He also got the rest of the afternoon off.

The proton took off from the back of the grid like it was shot out of a particle accelerator. In fact it was shot out of a particle accelerator. It went past the Start/Finish line hot on the heels of the photon. It didn't make the first corner, going straight into the guardrail on the outside of the turn. The explosion of quarks, sparks and quantum effects showered the track with debris and caused a yellow flag. Jackie Stewart has been informed of this safety problem; and some high-speed ovals, such as CERN, may be shut down for improvements.

Checking on Rosset found him still at the back of the grid. His reflexes had started to snap into gear; the signals were traveling through his highly-tuned neural pathways, but apparently in no particular order. He sat there inert as though the race had yet to start. It looked as though we could use the minute hand to check his reaction time. The girls stepped over to his Pit Crew to see what was going on.

Rosset's crew got up from their lounge chairs to explain that this was normal. On some days he was so slow to get going that he would get to the Start/Finish line just ahead of the cars completing the first lap. The scorekeepers would, by mistake, record him as having completed a lap. In this way he had led several races and now owned fastest lap at a couple of courses. The BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew figured that being both "dead last" and "running first" at the same time is a quantum effect. They also figured he might be "mistaken for dead."

This leaves us with the meatball. There wasn't a lot going on with the meatball sitting in the last row of the grid. Then Alex Zanardi came by, ate it for lunch, and later complained of an upset stomach. What can we say except "that's a spicy meat-a-ball." And being spicy, the meatball caused, not a quantum effect, but a "Tum effect." This mention of the "Tum effect" signals the end of the essay for Americans. Americans are familiar with "Tums;" an antacid tablet taken for indigestion caused by "spicy meat-a- balls."

For all you other English-Speaking Internet Folks reading this essay I must explain that the most famous "indigestion" commercial was from twenty or so years ago. It featured a large Italian fellow slumped over the remains of a huge dinner. The fellow stared at the camera for a long time, looking most uncomfortable. Then, holding his aching stomach, he leaned into the camera and said, "that, was a spicy, meat-a-ball." For you non-English-Speaking Internet Folks who are reading this, I am not going to try and explain it, for obvious reasons.

Well, that's all for this week. Next week we will tackle what it was that Heisenburg was so uncertain about.

Varoom Vroom-Vroom Squeal!!! Neeeeeyyyyyyoooowwwww! "Hey Everybody! Look! There goes Rosset!"

Article is written by and copyright (c) 1999 Jeff Rose, Binghamton, NY.
His other Travel and Humour Articles can be found at Aloha from the Nervous Nineties.

Interested in reading more by this author?

Humourous Articles by Inky Black
Austrian GP: Welcome to Vienna, Minnesota or; "It's a nice place to visit, but Mozart would have moved."
British GP: The Greatest Drivers In The World or; "Move along lady, there'll be no excitement here. This is a golf match!"
French GP: Viva La France or; Cha Cha Chitwood and the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew arrive in France with bad jokes, better apologies, and a mention of the war
Canadian GP: Surfing FIA or; Cowabunga in Canada
Spanish GP: Still in Barcelona or; Ninth in the Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Monaco GP: Fast Laps and Fast Girls or; The Eighth Adventure of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
San Marino Jet-Set or; Further Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Brazil GP - The girls from Ipanema or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Full Monty in Melbourne or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Formula One Racing Meets Quantum Relativity or; Welcome to CERN - Fastest High-Speed Oval in the World
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew meets the Queen of England and confused tea-time with wet T-shirt time, causing havoc in the Palace
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew at AutoSport99 the crew visit Autosport 99 to take part in the pitcrew contest
Hollywood Grand Prix; Sylvester Stallone Meets Formula One or; Jackie Stewart trained BayWatch Girls for an Indianapolis Pit Crew because Sylvester Stallone had WonderBra for a sponsor and some French guys made Richard Petty drink white wine instead of beer
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