BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew meets the Queen of England
by Jeff Rose
Article is written by and copyright (c) 1999 Jeff Rose,
We're back and boy is the Queen of England happy about that. She didn't mind
the Le Mans start with the Rolls Royce; or that our gift bottle didn't have a
label; but the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew confused tea-time with wet T-shirt
time. This was too much and the crew was tossed out of the palace. It was
Jackie Stewart who saved their "buckets."
The crew landed at Heathrow and were through Customs with no problem. Well,
almost no problem. Please recall that these girls speak Good Down-South
American English. Down-South would be pronounced "Day-ow-won Say-outh" by any
self-respecting Southerner; although they would take about a minute longer to
say it than you just did.
So the BayWatch Crew damn near require an interpreter when they go anywhere
outside of the states, let alone the south. And actually things were going
badly. This meant hours at Customs as the crew answered questions like: "Do
you have anything to declare?" ("Yay-Yes, I do declare it's right nice to be
in England.") And, of course, "How long do you expect to be a-broad?" ("All
my life, silly you!")
Shambles it was in Customs, what with the keg of beer and the unlabeled jars
filled with MoonShine. Everytime Customs threatened arrest the girls would
slurp faster and exclaim "We're almost done, God save Elvis!" Jackie Stewart,
bucket in hand, arrived to save the day. With one well-placed bucketful of
water he sobered up the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew; and gave Customs an eyeful
of what "really illegal" looked like.
Yes, Jackie was a "fan" of the Pick-Up Crew, er, Pit Crew; and this wasn't to
be the only time he saved their "buckets" this week. He explained this to his
wife Helen as he pushed her eyebrows back down where they should be.
Landing at Heathrow on a flight from Catalunya, wherever that is, Keeble and
Felice smelled something fishy. Not fishy, more like MoonShine, and soon they
were hot on the trail.
Known as the "Rumor Kings," these two reporters from F1 Rumors WebSite, were
well-known for being first with the news that BAR would run their team cars
each with a different colour. Wrongly, they had reasoned that the different
paints were an attempt to match Jacques Villeneuve's ever-changing hair
colour. Potentially a tremendous gaff, it was overlooked by the public as it
seemed pretty believable. They were also the first with the scoop that BAR,
and Jacques, would settle on just one colour.
Following the trail of empty americano beer cans the Rumor Kings caught up
with the crew as they exited Customs. "Reporters, just what we need."
muttered Jackie. "Girls in wet t-shirts, just what we need." agreed the Rumor
Unbeknownst to our crew the palace password had changed once again. The
changing of the password was triggered by a commonplace event, external to the
palace, and who's occurrence was, in and of itself, unrelated to questions of
politics and Royalty. The password was the colour of Jacques Villeneuves
Orange insisted Jackie as the guard at the palace garage entrance shook his
head "No." The Rumor Kings thought "this is a tough one." But Jackie knew
that the guard was relaxed, and inclined to accept any answer that didn't
include reference to the Spice Girls. Any close answer would do. Thinking
for a few minutes the best they could come up with was "His hair is the same
colour as the car?" The Royal Guard nodded "Aye," and let the crew slide
Jackie swung into the garage area behind a gent who was busy parallel-parking
a polo pony. "Murray? What are you doing here?" asked Jackie. "The Queen
asked me to announce Polo" replied Murray, "It's like racing but I can't tell
the horses apart." "Oh, You'll be fine" comforted Jackie, "You can't tell the
cars apart either."
Waiting for their appointment the girls practiced Le Mans starts with the
Royal Rolls Royce while Jackie, Murray and the Rumor Kings rebuilt Queen
Elizabeth's personal go-kart. She'd been complaining that it shimmied a bit
around 165 or so.
As Big Ben was striking noon, a small buzzer went off over the door. Followed
by a set of chimes. Some bells somewhere in the palace pealed; and six
trumpeters jumped into action. It was time, The BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
was about to meet the Queen.
Now you know the crew made the basic Americano mistake. The kilt is a time-
honored tradition of some Royal Guard. Looking at the kilt-wearing guard a
bit cross-eyed; the BayWatch Girls assumed something else. He must be the
queen. You know; your basic cross-dressing, cross-bred member of English
Royalty kinda Queen.
The girls had it nailed, they were quiet, they were elegant, they curtseyed...
they curtseyed in utmost sophistication and formal respect to the Queen's
kilt-wearing guard. This looked bad; and the Queen looked worse. More than
tea was steaming and it wasn't even Tea-Time yet.
Tea Time!?! Oh No and Uh Oh! "Things were gonna get worse" realized Jackie.
He could see what was coming and made up a cover story. Jackie told the
"Rumor Kings" to get on the Internet and publish a story about the BayWatch
Girls mistaking Tea-Time for Wet T-Shirt Time . He knew it was about happen,
it was going to happen in twenty minutes. And there was only one way to save
Yes, if you print the story before it happens; well, it must be fiction, it
can't be fact. This way, what was about to happen, would be completely
fictitious. The speed of the internet is immense, kind of like adding Damon
and both Schumachers to Jackie Stewart. You can publish to the whole world in
seconds. ...and you get some big crashes.
So right now, as you reading this, it's just before tea-time. And just before
it really happens, I am here to tell you that the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
had a Wet T-Shirt Tea-Time. And boy is the Queen of England not happy about
And you can believe every word of this story; except the part about the Wet T-
Shirt Tea-Time is pure fiction.
His other Travel and Humour Articles
can be found at Aloha from the Nervous Nineties.