F1 Rumors - news ahead of the headlines

5th February, 1999

BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew meets the Queen of England

by Jeff Rose

We're back and boy is the Queen of England happy about that. She didn't mind the Le Mans start with the Rolls Royce; or that our gift bottle didn't have a label; but the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew confused tea-time with wet T-shirt time. This was too much and the crew was tossed out of the palace. It was Jackie Stewart who saved their "buckets."

The crew landed at Heathrow and were through Customs with no problem. Well, almost no problem. Please recall that these girls speak Good Down-South American English. Down-South would be pronounced "Day-ow-won Say-outh" by any self-respecting Southerner; although they would take about a minute longer to say it than you just did.

So the BayWatch Crew damn near require an interpreter when they go anywhere outside of the states, let alone the south. And actually things were going badly. This meant hours at Customs as the crew answered questions like: "Do you have anything to declare?" ("Yay-Yes, I do declare it's right nice to be in England.") And, of course, "How long do you expect to be a-broad?" ("All my life, silly you!")

Shambles it was in Customs, what with the keg of beer and the unlabeled jars filled with MoonShine. Everytime Customs threatened arrest the girls would slurp faster and exclaim "We're almost done, God save Elvis!" Jackie Stewart, bucket in hand, arrived to save the day. With one well-placed bucketful of water he sobered up the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew; and gave Customs an eyeful of what "really illegal" looked like.

Yes, Jackie was a "fan" of the Pick-Up Crew, er, Pit Crew; and this wasn't to be the only time he saved their "buckets" this week. He explained this to his wife Helen as he pushed her eyebrows back down where they should be.

Landing at Heathrow on a flight from Catalunya, wherever that is, Keeble and Felice smelled something fishy. Not fishy, more like MoonShine, and soon they were hot on the trail.

Known as the "Rumor Kings," these two reporters from F1 Rumors WebSite, were well-known for being first with the news that BAR would run their team cars each with a different colour. Wrongly, they had reasoned that the different paints were an attempt to match Jacques Villeneuve's ever-changing hair colour. Potentially a tremendous gaff, it was overlooked by the public as it seemed pretty believable. They were also the first with the scoop that BAR, and Jacques, would settle on just one colour.

Following the trail of empty americano beer cans the Rumor Kings caught up with the crew as they exited Customs. "Reporters, just what we need." muttered Jackie. "Girls in wet t-shirts, just what we need." agreed the Rumor Kings.

Unbeknownst to our crew the palace password had changed once again. The changing of the password was triggered by a commonplace event, external to the palace, and who's occurrence was, in and of itself, unrelated to questions of politics and Royalty. The password was the colour of Jacques Villeneuves hair.

Orange insisted Jackie as the guard at the palace garage entrance shook his head "No." The Rumor Kings thought "this is a tough one." But Jackie knew that the guard was relaxed, and inclined to accept any answer that didn't include reference to the Spice Girls. Any close answer would do. Thinking for a few minutes the best they could come up with was "His hair is the same colour as the car?" The Royal Guard nodded "Aye," and let the crew slide through.

Jackie swung into the garage area behind a gent who was busy parallel-parking a polo pony. "Murray? What are you doing here?" asked Jackie. "The Queen asked me to announce Polo" replied Murray, "It's like racing but I can't tell the horses apart." "Oh, You'll be fine" comforted Jackie, "You can't tell the cars apart either."

Waiting for their appointment the girls practiced Le Mans starts with the Royal Rolls Royce while Jackie, Murray and the Rumor Kings rebuilt Queen Elizabeth's personal go-kart. She'd been complaining that it shimmied a bit around 165 or so.

As Big Ben was striking noon, a small buzzer went off over the door. Followed by a set of chimes. Some bells somewhere in the palace pealed; and six trumpeters jumped into action. It was time, The BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew was about to meet the Queen.

Now you know the crew made the basic Americano mistake. The kilt is a time- honored tradition of some Royal Guard. Looking at the kilt-wearing guard a bit cross-eyed; the BayWatch Girls assumed something else. He must be the queen. You know; your basic cross-dressing, cross-bred member of English Royalty kinda Queen.

The girls had it nailed, they were quiet, they were elegant, they curtseyed... they curtseyed in utmost sophistication and formal respect to the Queen's kilt-wearing guard. This looked bad; and the Queen looked worse. More than tea was steaming and it wasn't even Tea-Time yet.

Tea Time!?! Oh No and Uh Oh! "Things were gonna get worse" realized Jackie. He could see what was coming and made up a cover story. Jackie told the "Rumor Kings" to get on the Internet and publish a story about the BayWatch Girls mistaking Tea-Time for Wet T-Shirt Time . He knew it was about happen, it was going to happen in twenty minutes. And there was only one way to save their "buckets."

Yes, if you print the story before it happens; well, it must be fiction, it can't be fact. This way, what was about to happen, would be completely fictitious. The speed of the internet is immense, kind of like adding Damon and both Schumachers to Jackie Stewart. You can publish to the whole world in seconds. ...and you get some big crashes.

So right now, as you reading this, it's just before tea-time. And just before it really happens, I am here to tell you that the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew had a Wet T-Shirt Tea-Time. And boy is the Queen of England not happy about that.

And you can believe every word of this story; except the part about the Wet T- Shirt Tea-Time is pure fiction.

Article is written by and copyright (c) 1999 Jeff Rose, Binghamton, NY.
His other Travel and Humour Articles can be found at Aloha from the Nervous Nineties.

Interested in reading more by this author?

Humourous Articles by Inky Black
Austrian GP: Welcome to Vienna, Minnesota or; "It's a nice place to visit, but Mozart would have moved."
British GP: The Greatest Drivers In The World or; "Move along lady, there'll be no excitement here. This is a golf match!"
French GP: Viva La France or; Cha Cha Chitwood and the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew arrive in France with bad jokes, better apologies, and a mention of the war
Canadian GP: Surfing FIA or; Cowabunga in Canada
Spanish GP: Still in Barcelona or; Ninth in the Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Monaco GP: Fast Laps and Fast Girls or; The Eighth Adventure of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
San Marino Jet-Set or; Further Adventures of the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew
Brazil GP - The girls from Ipanema or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Full Monty in Melbourne or; Fastest Pit Lane Changes in the World
Formula One Racing Meets Quantum Relativity or; Welcome to CERN - Fastest High-Speed Oval in the World
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew meets the Queen of England and confused tea-time with wet T-shirt time, causing havoc in the Palace
BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew at AutoSport99 the crew visit Autosport 99 to take part in the pitcrew contest
Hollywood Grand Prix; Sylvester Stallone Meets Formula One or; Jackie Stewart trained BayWatch Girls for an Indianapolis Pit Crew because Sylvester Stallone had WonderBra for a sponsor and some French guys made Richard Petty drink white wine instead of beer
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