Austrian GP: Welcome to Vienna, Minnesota
or; "It's a nice place to visit, but Mozart would have moved."
Article is written by and copyright (c) 1999 Jeff Rose,
humour by Inky Black
Looking down towards Austria from outer space, you will see that it is nowhere near Minnesota. People, however, often confuse Vienna, Austria with Vienna, Minnesota. Especially people working in a brewery.
Recall that the brewers who sponsor the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew can be "out of touch." Yes, we're talking the brewery at Hopbottom. You remember Hopbottom, the old Indian name which means pretty much the same thing in English. Well, they did it again... Welcome to the small town of Vienna, Minnesota. Vienna is home to a 500-mile race on the dirt track called "Mozart's Eighth." The name describes the length of each lap on the 1/8th mile oval.
The All-Girl Pit Crew weren't alone. Sylvester Stallone and his Grand Prix film entourage also made the mistake. Liz Hurley arrived anxious to see the "take off." And native Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger looked around and said, "It's a nice place to visit, but Mozart would have moved."
Local Minnesota dirt track is the kind of thing where they race all-night with the left turn signal on. You know, oval track and backwards. Liz, being a sophisticate, thought "This is dumb." Though when she heard they featured a tractor pull between races, the actress pumped her arm and cooed, "Alright!" Along with his stars, Stallone brought to the race six-packs of beer and a tin of chewing tobacco.
Where they got the plastic fork nobody knows. Arnie and Liz chatted with other fans as they nibbled their American "snack." The "chew" wasn't very good but Liz always carries a jar of HP sauce! It helped a little. And the fans? The Hollywood crowd were sitting in the cheap seats and these drunks had less teeth than the Stanley Cup Finals, and more aroma than Chanel!
Up here in Minnesota most of the folks are of Scandinavian descent... you know, Norwegians, Swedes, and other heavy drinkers. A check with Ian's race report showed Jos Verstappen was here too! He had pole for the next race. Could that be true? Or were Liz and Arnie getting a little hazy. Swallowing chewing tobacco is known to make one green and dizzy. And drinking beer while watching stock cars race in little circles--- that can't help.
It was Jos! Sponsored by a local gravel company, he raced fast until he spun off and hit one of his sponsor's trucks. "Wowie!" screamed Arnie as gravel flew everywhere. "Way to go Jos, just like Formula One!" shouted the actress.
It had been a little snack, a quaff of beer, and Jos Verstappen throwing gravel all over. Green and dizzy, the Hollywood Stars left for home thinking that Formula One and dirt-track did have plenty in common.
His other Travel and Humour Articles
can be found at Aloha from the Nervous Nineties.