Hollywood Grand Prix; Sylvester Stallone Meets Formula One

or; Jackie Stewart trained BayWatch Girls for an Indianapolis Pit Crew because Sylvester Stallone had WonderBra for a sponsor and some French guys made Richard Petty drink white wine instead of beer.

by Inky Black

Filming of the Sylvester Stallone Grand Prix Movie is under way and under wraps at a secret location called the "Brickyard." A Top Secret Report from Hollywood reveals the script, the plot, the girls, and the drama of "Hollywood Grand Prix." This is that report.

"We're back from Hollywood and boy are the movie people happy about that. The Wet T-shirt contests in the BayWatch Pit were our fault, a rookie mistake; but the Le Mans Start was not our idea. Still the Hollywood crowd sneered at our efforts; and bad feelings hung over our team like this upcoming flashback. At least we didn't get a nickname like Ricardo "Wrong-Way" Rosset.

The confusion all started at the Top Secret Location of the U.S. Grand Prix; where the racers raced while Hollywood was making a movie. Without Hollywood; Mario Andretti, Richard Petty, the BayWatch All-Girl Pit Crew, and the rest of us wouldn't have been at Indianapolis. Hollywood needed more cars for more, bigger crashes. Pretty dumb? Yes, racing people thought this film idea was pretty dumb. "Not too smart were these Hollywood boobs," they thought. And later, Murray Walker would say it like no other.

More cars meant more teams - and us rookies didn't understand all the new rules. Especially the clock-wise direction thing. We are truly sorry about going the wrong way around during the first practice. But it wasn't just us new folks - that guy Rosset followed us too!

Things had started badly. Ricardo Rosset pulled in and hit three cars with his transporter. Mario Andretti pulled in and hit four cars with his Lear Jet. Irv the Swerve arrived and hit the BayWatch Pits. Damon arrived and hit Schumi first thing. Schumi rubbed his jaw and said, "Let's wait till we get in our cars for that stuff!" Richard Petty pulled in and hit everybody's car with an empty beer can or wad of chewing tobacco. "Don't worry 'bout that there damage," he said, "it's just superstitious... er, superficial. Yup that's what it is, like cosmic, er... cosmetic? Well, it ain't gonna hurt none, you know what I mean."

The Music TeleVision team featured two fast lady drivers, Lyn St James and Cha Cha Chitwood. And Lyn was pretty fast when she was in the car, too. The MTV team used BayWatch girls for the pit crew and Irv would pull in here by mistake about every time he pitted. "Just stopping by to say Hello to Jackie" he would say!

AJ and Mario broke retirement to race a pair of 1950's Offenhausers for the Texas Bar-B-Q Team. Cornering was a little rough on the old cars so they popped the floorboards down a bunch in front to get some downforce. They got plenty of downforce, and the cockpit stayed nice and cool. But the floorboards scooped up track debris and the empty beer cans Richard Petty kept throwing out of his car. This was dangerous so Race Officials asked Petty to change to white wine.

Richard Petty and Jeff Gordon showed up with cars that were pretty sharp looking until the stewards made them take the fenders off. In good Nascar style, they took their first laps around the track in the wrong direction. The black flag brought them in and the FIA officials strongly suggested that Richard and Jeff race "in the reverse direction." The Nascar drivers smiled knowingly to each other, placed the gear selector into reverse, and peeled off a quick lap driving backwards before they were black flagged for unnecessary sarcasm.

Local boys, Lem and Clem, brought two cars; the "Crayola Ring Seal Special," and the "SawDust Tranny-Treatment Special." This sounds fancy-pants, but for those not in the know we will explain that: (1) For bad rings and a lot of blue smoke, allow an ordinary child's crayon to melt in each cylinder. This will help seal with the worn-out rings. But not for long. (2) Pour sawdust in the gearbox to quiet down those chewed-up gears.

Old Grandpa Flem tried to enter his "Hot-Dog-Bun-Seals-Radiator-Leaks-Real- Good-Special." But his dentures flew out of his mouth every time he said the name of his car. In view of this, the FIA said that his Pit Interviews would be (1) not sanitary, (2) basically disgusting, and (3) an embarassment to the sport. It didn't matter as his car failed Tech Inspection anyway. He had so many stale hot dog buns jammed into leaking radiator fins that it constituted a fire hazard.

Chris Amon was supposed to race but... (1) his entry form was lost, (2) his car was stolen by Earl Alex Balfe, and (3) it wasn't in the script for him to win.

Sylvester Stallone had not shown up at the track at all. No Practice. No Qualifying. No Schmoozing. Where was the American Champion?

Race Day at Indy... the smell of burnt oil mingled with the smell of burnt ribs from the Texas Bar-B-Q Pit. Then the traditional announcement on the starting grid. "Gentleman, Don't Stall Your Engines!"

Stallone was still not here. "Where is the American champion?" everyone wondered. "How can he come from behind if he's not even at the track?"

The Start... and engines of 32 racing cars barked to life. 32 racing drivers sat ready-to-race and considered the pressure in this, the most important race in Hollywood history. Drivers reduced the immense pressure by visualizing the tension as a rubber ball. It was the famous Jackie Stewart method. Hold the pressure and squeeze it like a rubber ball.

The grid sat ready for the dramatic, tire-squealing standing start. It was known as "the take-off" by the Hollywood crowd. Tension, Excitement, Drama, Sport, Hollywood, Pressure. But where is the American Champion?

...Flash Back, Hollywood Style, to a rainy night months ago in Toledo, Ohio. Rocky Movie music is playing in the background.

Sylvester, the American Hero, is almost through another grueling 24-hour practice session at the Toledo Junkyard. Later the team will learn the difference between Le Mans and a Grand Prix.

Sylvester and his wise but grizzled crew chief re-build junk Buicks into race cars for pit crew practice. Then they race them around the junkyard where they've made an authentic replica of the new curvy-durvy Indy Grand Prix track. For added realism, drunks from a nearby pub race the part of the great Formula One Champions.

The racing is furious and Stallone is putting down some great lap times, considering that he's racing on dirt. But the American champion will hit his low point when he finds that all this practice won't help. He's made the same rookie mistake as the other guys. Counter-clockwise is fine for Indy, but it's the other way around in Grand Prix.

At least pressure would not a problem for Sly. Stallone's wise but grizzled girlfriend, Miss WonderBra, had the answer to the pressure problem! It was also the answer to the lack of sponsor support! "...Pressure? Hold it, and squeeze it like a rubber ball." It was the Jackie Stewart method. Sly would depend on rubber balls for the pressure; and WonderBra for support!

...Fade Back to Hollywood USGP on Race Day.

Rambo was already racing at top speed. He was caught in traffic on the Interstate Highway coming in from Toledo.

"Here comes the American Champion!" cried the crowd as boards cracked off the wall and Stallone's car rammed through. Sly parked next to Rosset to take the 33rd position on the grid.

As the lights flashed for the start, the crowd, and the officials, and the entire television-watching public knew what Sly didn't know. Sly was pointed the wrong way!

Engines revved, the start seconds away, and the American Champion looked over at Rosset. Rosset looked at the American Champion. They both knew something was wrong; but they weren't sure what it was.

"Green Light Start! Engines roar, tires squeal!" Mika is off first, Schumi is second and already checking status with his pit. Jacques takes the lead, spins, and loses four places all before the first corner. Still on the grid Mario blows an engine, so does AJ, and both Lem and Clem, and four other cars! ...and the pace car! No! They're Okay! It's just Hollywood special effects to make a good looking movie start.

Stallone is off like a rocket but in the wrong direction! Murray thinks he's headed back to Toledo. Richard Petty and Jeff Gordon are running from pits to the grid wearing sneakers. "It's one of those Le Mans start kinda thingies, ain't it?"

Half way through the first lap Sly sees all the traffic coming in the other direction. He thinks "Something is wrong; but I'm not sure what it is." 31 cars pass then Sly and Rosset look at each other in passing. "My buddy!" Sly realizes "Something is wrong, I'm going the wrong way." Rosset realizes "Something is wrong, I'm not in last place."

"Sly laps the track and throws the car around at the start finish line! Wowie! Tires squeal and smoke! It's a lap record as Sly, tires spinning, is off in the proper direction. He leads, followed by Mika and Schumi. Wowie! Coming up fast is Damon and Eddie Jordan. Alboreto, in fourth place, moves back up to fifth. Martin Brundle is missing a tire so he must have blown an engine, and these days that pretty much means electrical problems." ...Okay, you caught me, Murray helped with this paragraph.

"Whammo!" The big infield display shows a bunch of crashes. Whammo! Wait a minute, these are Nascar Stock Car crashes from the 1960's. Hollywood is adding old racing footage to the new film to spice up the action. Continuity is maintained by showing the old footage on the infield scoreboard displays during the race. Whammo! A '63 Chevrolet Convertible rams the wall and flies off. Whammo! Car Number 43 crashes for the tenth time. Whammo...

Back to the real race. Whammo! Mario flies off the track and into the harbor. Harbor? Geez, Hollywood installed a harbor for special effects. "Wowie!" says Murray. "Oh No!" says some guy named Bernie, sure that the prestige of Formula One is about to take a big hit.

The MTV cars are in for a pit stop... More tires. Gallons of gas. Buckets of water. Water? Oh no, the BayWatch girls are doing Wet T-Shirts again. The Texas Bar-B-Q Pit countered the Wet T-shirt contest with their version of the "Full Monty."

Rosset pulls in, Oh no... he's in the wrong pit. The Texas guys are re- fueling his car... and with a dash of their special Bar-B-Q sauce. It's not a quick stop but geez, all of a sudden Rosset is looking faster!

The leaders pull into the pits and are out quickly. The backmarkers pull in and cause a traffic jam by re-fueling at the BayWatch pit. Ferrari crewchief Jean Todt sees the BayWatch girls do Wet T-shirt on the monitor and gives his usual shrug. Pit Boss Ron Dennis watches it on his monitor and doesn't even shrug. Murray says "Wowie!" Mario swims back to the pits and jumps in with AJ to talk about old times. They ride together in the old Offenhauser, stopping for beers at the Nascar Pit every ten laps.

"Jacques has spun out again..." screams Murray, "I don't want to say that Jacques is known for aggressive driving, but after a really big off at Imola last year, he was arrested for invading San Marino."

Mika is leading, he waves Schumi by. Schumi holds up and waves Damon by first. "What kind of Hollywood script is this?" Damon rams Schumi who then rams everybody else. "Whew, they lost the script!" MTV Lyn takes the lead, with Irv hot on her tail. And out of nowhere it's Rosset setting fastest lap while driving on hot sauce. He is fast! "Yo quiero Bar-B-Q!"

Sly is in the pits; something is wrong! The crew look at the car, "Is the race over for them?" Minutes pass, and Stallone's pit doesn't know what is wrong. But Jackie Stewart knows. Jackie drops the water bucket and steps from the BayWatch Pit over to the WonderBra pit. He whispers something to the wise but grizzled crew. The pit jumps into action! Is it a tire change? A tune up?

No, they've picked up the car and turned it upside down. The pit crew is shaking something out of the car. Is it loose parts? Is it pliers like Johnny Herbert at Monza? Geez... it's two Rubber Balls; they were stuck under the gas pedal... Jackie explained it to the television guys: "Sly squeezes the two rubber balls he keeps in the WonderBra that he is wearing." Jackie continues, "It may sound girlie-girl but it works to reduce tension. And Sylvester Stallone gets the big bucks from the sponsor for wearing a WonderBra during the race."

Sly gets new rubber; not tires, we're talking into the WonderBra here; and goes fast out of the pits, down the straight and through the wall. He's down interstate 70 a couple of miles before he's back on track and setting records.

The new leader is all hepped up on Bar-B-Q Sauce. Avis is number two. Mika, Schumi and Damon have retired to open a dating service in Miami Beach. Jacques has just "spun in!" Hey, you don't see that often. Irv is in the pits and you can guess which one.

The Nascar guys dropped out. Tires had fallen off each time they tried to "trade paint." Boring. It was back to the pits for a new tire every ten minutes! So they headed to the infield to have a demolition derby with the rental cars belonging to the Formula One drivers.

"Wowie! Jacques is spinning out; now he's spinning out in the other direction... Folks, Jacques Villeneuve has just spun out while in the middle of a spin out!"

And Sly is now a lap behind and the end of the race is near. "How can the American Champion win?"

The American Champion waits for the crowd to fix on the latest BayWatch Pit Stop and Strip, then he slides wide and roars ahead onto the old oval track. One flat-out lap on the oval circuit and he's back with the leaders and into a six-way dice for first place. With quick a squeeze of the WonderBalls, Sly is relaxed and weaving through leaders, back-markers and most of the infield.

Whammo! On the infield display sixteen cars crash at the 1959 Daytona 500, while Sly's car weaves through the carnage in a great display of driving and digitally re-mastered animation.

The checkered flag is out and, it's Stallone by a big nose. He wins Hollywood Grand Prix (and also, according to the infield display footage, the 1972 Le Mans, the 1959 Daytona, and the 1938 Pikes Peak Hill and Social Climb!)

At the post-race interview it was Sly saying, "I dreamed I set the Indy 500 afire in my WonderBra." Worse was the sponsor didn't have a proper cap for victory lane; so a WonderBra was popped onto the head of Sylvester Stallone, and Miss WonderBra, for pictures and interviews.

The race was over and Murray Walker looked at the ridiculous Hollywood scene. "This was stupid," he thought, "it wasn't racing." He looked at the winner Stallone, and at Miss WonderBra in her very low-cut dress. Then Murray made the mistake that only he can make. About Sly, the dumb racer, and Miss WonderBra, the dumb blonde, Murray Walker said "What a pair of boobs!"

Well, millions of fans from around the world were watching the television image of Stallone and the "abundant" Miss WonderBra. And when Murray said, "What a pair of boobs," millions of fans from around the world fell out of their favorite chair.

But complaints were few and everyone retired to the BayWatch pits to relax and squeeze a little WonderBra after the pressures of a long race. Everyone except for Ricardo "Wrong Way" Rosset, who retired to run the fastest Bar-B-Q joint in downtown Indianapolis. "Yo quiero Bar-B-Q!"

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